NRR: local news

**Brainbomb** · 08-06-2011, 12:32 PM

I know some of you enjoy these so here's two from todays newspaper about what's happening in tehe countryside outside the city where I live:

A woman reports she was attacked with toads, two men approached her car when she drove slowly and threw toads through the open window causing her to crash with a tree.

Many people complain about a horrible stench in some neighborhood. The source has been tracked down to a dead llama hidden by his owner under a wheelbarrow in his garden.

**ginghamkitchen** · 08-06-2011, 12:54 PM

A man from Rotherham recently phoned my wife (who was working emergency 999 calls) to report that he had bought a German Cauliflower, and to ask whether he should he drop it off at the station to be tested for e-coli.

**someblokecalledfuz** · 08-06-2011, 03:19 PM

Originally Posted by ginghamkitchen

A man from Rotherham recently phoned my wife (who was working emergency 999 calls) to report that he had bought a German Cauliflower, and to ask whether he should he drop it off at the station to be tested for e-coli.

E-cauli, surely

**LDJB** · 08-06-2011, 03:38 PM

Originally Posted by someblokecalledfuz

E-cauli, surely

Boooooooo

(remind me to fetch you a slap at Eclectic Mud)

**Plainstone** · 08-06-2011, 03:43 PM

Originally Posted by Brainbomb

A woman reports she was attacked with toads, two men approached her car when she drove slowly and threw toads through the open window causing her to crash with a tree.

Kind of the other way round I suppose, but does anyone remember the spate of vegetable attacks in East London in the late 80s/early 90s? People being felled by various root veg thrown from moving vehicles.

**timothytouchincloth** · 08-06-2011, 03:53 PM

local papers used this as a model surely

http://www.framleyexaminer.com

**eric-adams** · 08-06-2011, 03:55 PM

i read in an Aberdeen news paper a few years back that some old lady had lost £20, this was a normal sized feature, a few days later there was a report that the £20 had been found. it was in the living room

**Plainstone** · 08-06-2011, 04:36 PM

Originally Posted by eric-adams

i read in an Aberdeen news paper a few years back that some old lady had lost £20, this was a normal sized feature, a few days later there was a report that the £20 had been found. it was in the living room

This is actually football code. Aberdeen FC player transfer-related.

A few days later there would have been a picture of a bemused looking Englishman in an AFC top holding a pen over a blank sheet of paper.

**LDJB** · 08-06-2011, 05:14 PM

The best local story I have ever read in a local newspaper was in the Stornoway Gazette - it was in the paper when I lived there, so around 1982 / 1983. I have just googled for it but couldn't find anything for it at all.

The jist of it was that an unnamed patient in the local hospital had sustained some nasty burns to the groin area after trying to open a packet of biscuits. This gent had had some problem with his hands and had had surgery on both of them which meant that they were both bandaged up. One day he fancied a biscuit from the unopened packet that a kindly visitor had left for him but try as he might he couldn't get them open with his combination of two bandaged hands and teeth so he decided to improvise. He put a lighter in his mouth and managed to get it lit with his hands and then tried to burn the packet of biscuits open. He then executes a brilliant combination of dropping the biscuits in his lap and setting fire to the bandages on his hands - he then proceeds to beat out the flames in his lap with his flaming hands - I think this might have gone on for a minute or so until help arrived.... the bloke was OK I think - not sure how the biscuits fared!

**theeman** · 08-06-2011, 05:32 PM

http://www.thisiskent.co.uk/Super-Gr...ail/story.html

**mr sayers** · 08-06-2011, 05:54 PM

I love this type of stuff, reminds me of the "Yokel news" clips in Big daddy/Grandslam.

**babycart** · 08-06-2011, 07:22 PM

My favourite was a quadraplegic bloke in Northern Spain who drove a sort of mobile bed operated with his teeth. After a night getting pissed with his mates he decided to visit a brothel and was stopped by police at 11 pm going the wrong way up a motorway. He went on to sue the local council for not signposting the feeder lane properly.

**Viva Chiba** · 08-06-2011, 08:47 PM

Loads of non-stories like this in my parents' local newspaper, The Forester.

My favourite went something like ... concerned motorists called the police because some sheep were blocking the road. But by the time the police arrived - the sheep had vanished!

Intriguingly, almost surreally banal.

**bongolia** · 11-07-2011, 10:10 AM

"Record Collection Destroyed in Fire" http://www.yourlocalguardian.co.uk/n...n_fire/?ref=mr

**awesomewelles** · 11-07-2011, 12:48 PM

Originally Posted by bongolia

"Record Collection Destroyed in Fire" http://www.yourlocalguardian.co.uk/n...n_fire/?ref=mr

I suppose by this board's standards, that barely constitutes a collection!

**bongolia** · 11-07-2011, 01:29 PM

that's what i was thinking!

i have more records in my 'out' pile and my collection's relatively small around here!

also his records were so "treasured" that he'd bunged them in the shed...

**ginghamkitchen** · 11-07-2011, 01:38 PM

Bit unfair - they could have been 300 super raers collected over decades from the corners of the earth, and the shed could have been a high tech storage facility in which the precious discs were hermetically sealed. But I doubt it.

**babycart** · 11-07-2011, 01:45 PM

Yes, but "A Few Records in Shed Destroyed in Fire" wouldn't have been anywhere near such a gripping headline.

I'm happy to see journalists applying non-sensational standards to their reporting after the demise of the NOTW, which would surely have splashed MYSTERY SHED BLAZE RECORD AGONY.

**ginghamkitchen** · 11-07-2011, 02:21 PM

'The vinyl curtain: priceless haul wiped out in outhouse inferno'.

**babycart** · 11-07-2011, 03:16 PM

Originally Posted by ginghamkitchen

'The vinyl curtain: priceless haul wiped out in outhouse inferno'.

That's good. Tough job market for red-top headline writers now, though

**medlar** · 11-07-2011, 03:29 PM

Originally Posted by ginghamkitchen

'The vinyl curtain: priceless haul wiped out in outhouse inferno'.

No no no

"Football love cheat seen near to outhouse prior to inferno"

**babycart** · 11-07-2011, 03:33 PM

Originally Posted by medlar

No no no

"Football love cheat seen near to outhouse prior to inferno"

BECKS WRECKS REX'S RECS

(Hopefully the victim is called Rex) .

**medlar** · 11-07-2011, 03:35 PM

Originally Posted by babycart

becks wrecks rex's recs

(hopefully the victim is called rex) .

:d :d :d

**Brainbomb** · 11-07-2011, 03:42 PM

Maybe it's an insurance scam? Like he put 300 Duke Grant Hammond Gold in there and claimed it was all Beatles and Stones OGs?

Now - don't get any ideas, Lee....

**LDJB** · 13-07-2011, 02:01 PM

Chips

**Headless mermaid** · 13-07-2011, 10:31 PM

Originally Posted by Brainbomb

A woman reports she was attacked with toads, two men approached her car when she drove slowly and threw toads through the open window causing her to crash with a tree.

**ginghamkitchen** · 14-07-2011, 04:12 PM

Flaming Hell

**Mr Muench** · 14-07-2011, 04:55 PM

Originally Posted by bongolia

"Record Collection Destroyed in Fire" http://www.yourlocalguardian.co.uk/n...n_fire/?ref=mr

More Shed Inferno news I'm afraid..

shed-fire-became-an-inferno

Why don't the government do something about it... ?

Thankfully no records were involved this time and a neighbours shed was saved... So some good news at least.

**themightyac** · 14-07-2011, 10:51 PM

Reading goth-lite midlife crisis baker tattoo update http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/s/2..._twilight_zone

**babycart** · 15-07-2011, 09:38 AM

Originally Posted by themightyac

Reading goth-lite midlife crisis baker tattoo update http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/s/2..._twilight_zone

Cor! Cathy's looking SMOKING HOT compared to what you posted a couple of years ago. I miss the flying dolphin, though.

http://www.getreading.co.uk/news/s/2...z_for_twilight

Any news on "Agent" Jay?