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Wallace,Prince of Eagles, pulls it out

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  • Wallace,Prince of Eagles, pulls it out

    Wallace here!

    SSad tae say, dis 'ere gonna be me laist post.

    Gran' news fer thaim tha wants ter be rid o'uz.

    Martinet-moderatoor be goin' doun on Wallace wiv sum bouver & bosh 'bout how yers trooley wif hissen local dierlekt, be makin' a right balls-oop o' dis forum.
    Nivvar meant tae git oop ainnyone's shnoz, but, in perfick candour, ah'm right brass'd arf wiv dis 'ere impoodence gang 'rand.

    So, by yer leave gents, Wallace gonna sling me hook outta dis gaff.

    But fairst, let me laist post be aybit th' Canadian docoomentary, "Vinyl".
    Gie it a butchers, why duntcha.
    (Sorry 'bout th' miserble aybuse o' th'King's Engerlish, but seems tha's how ye be preferrin' it.)

    So then, me awld Bacardis, ah'm arf'n awa'. Th' loss is yourn.
    Th'ruwad goes ivva on. (As th' Donald Swann rekid wud 'av it.)

    Fanks awl an' Gawd bless.


    Vinylebriation. Vinyloxyzm. St. Vinyl Dance.
    Are you a chronic sufferer of the vinyl-collecting syndrome? Are
    you in desparate need of a vinylectomy? Do you consider it an
    affliction/madness at all?? Or is this all only in the minds of
    documentary film makers?
    Are we even allowed the slightest admission that the hobby of lp -
    collecting can ACTUALLY be theraputic and fulfilling?

    Some while ago the educational channel, TV Ontario aired Alan Zweig's nigh-2
    hour documentary, "VINYL". About lp collectors in the Toronto ,Canada
    area. This film won the documentary award for the year!

    Personally, Wallace enjoyed the documentary no end -however
    slanted it was. (Wallace has not enjoyed a documentary so much since
    seeing the one on the comic-illustrator, Crumb.)
    And slanted it definitely was! Right from the start ,the preamble-
    host makes it clear we are to peer into the "sometimes dark and
    always quirky subculture of record collecting". "Vinyl FREAKS " are
    what they are. (Yes, freaks as in Freak Out's "hungry vinyl freaks,

    I suppose you can forgive them when you consider the fact that
    documentaries rarely concern themselves with the good in life. The
    world of the documentary is one of human foible and tradgedy.
    So then, VINYL, found itself attracted to the topic of the
    perverted Obsessive, the lonely and awkward collector living with
    his parents,hoarding his collection in the nether basement-deeps.
    Yes, step up folks and view the unusual, the deviant, the stranger-
    than-real-life! (Had they got their claws on a wheezing,muchover-
    weight collector friend of mine negotiating his way between the
    narrow confines of his labyrinth-stash, these unscrupulous
    documentarists would have had a field-day!)

    Not once did the film follow a collector into a used record store
    and register his honest DELIGHT in going through a bin of previously
    unexplored vinyl territory. It was always the the dark side of the -
    ahem - hobby.

    The film has a line which goes something like this "...part of the
    picture I draw when I say this is why you are not where you want to
    be, this is why you are a failure, this is why you are alone."

    Back to the subject:
    Vinyl-hounds. Are they level-headed, sound people? Or meshuga?
    Outsiders would think otherwise. (AHHH! Now, if you have the
    analytical mind of a documentary-maker, you are thinking: "Wallace
    used the "O" word! We have him now! He has fecked himself right off
    the bat!")
    Well, the other "O" word is "obsession".(As in the
    saying, "Documentary-makers are obsessed with over-
    exaggeration,pidgeon-holing and low Hollywood-style sensationalism")

    A record collector then is an obsessive - he is no sophrosyne, no
    being of self-control, moderation or prudence.

    Wallace wonders if the Examining Body ever attempt to truely think with
    their subject's mind? Just perhaps it is possible that the average
    record-collecting fanatic sees himself ,not as a person devoid of
    will-power, but the exact opposite - he HAS the stamina (not to
    mention the tremendous energy and drain of time) to doggedly,
    indefatigably persue his chosen hobby.

    This question will at some point arise in the blinkered mind of the
    Examiner: "Certainly its not simply the LOVE OF MUSIC which drives
    this tenacity. Its something...darker." (Oh how Examiners fantasize
    over that word!)

    Why then do you suppose a record collector, collects? (Note: the
    problem is solely on the shoulders of RECORD collectors. Not
    collectors in general. As an aside: I once saw a film about this
    professor who collects only books on philosophers, their works and
    lives. Now this guy IS truely out to proove something. HE is the one
    out to impress.This guy IS truely fecked up. Im mean, now really! How
    can you consider the fellow in the Vinyl documentary -the one who
    exclusively collects EASY-LISTENING records, the one that goes into a
    store, throws down $10 and says "give me a sack full of crap!" - how
    can you consider this fine soul as being desperate to impress? I ask

    So then a collector of vinyl collects to:
    -give purpose to his otherwise empty life

    -to busy himself and thus circumnavigate the necessity of facing up
    to himself and problems which ought to be resolved

    -to feed his ego, his hubris -the idea that he has good taste. To
    put himself above others, at least on a mental plain. He delights in
    playing the affectation of knowing all the trivia of his chosen genre
    of music. His collection defines him, reflects good on him. His
    collection is not eclectic -rather obscure and specific. And there is
    a reason for this.
    He deems himself beyond the mundane. His axiom:"If you always live
    with those who are lame,you will yourself learn to limp."
    He is smug in his presumed merits, accomplishments.(This can be
    particularly pathetic - since when is ammassing a collection a
    reflection of a person's creativity/intelligence? Its not as if he
    wrote a book or actually played any of the instruments ...which
    brings us to...

    -he is a failed/inept/unrecognized musician

    Thats what the documentarist would have. He will not consider that:
    1 -You are a natural born magpie, a packrat. Esurient and
    materialistic. Its in the genes.That men dominate the hobby speaks
    volumes for genetics. (Wallace himself was a collecting feind from
    the start. At age 5, even though Wallace still abhors sports, Wallace
    was collecting those Sherriff pudding hockey coins (remember them?),
    Pez and all that rubbish. Was a 5 year old out to impress???)

    2 -like the angels in the German film Wings of Desire, you see yourself
    as an archiver of the important -however mundane. An archiver of that which merits
    archiving. A service to our children's children.

    3 -The obvious: Can it be you collect JUST FOR THE SHEER LOVE OF MUSIC?

    The documentary-maker will say that music is a vicarious thing (as
    is reading adventure books or perusing porn mags) music is an outlet
    for avoidance of sex. A surrogate.
    D-M will say, "Vinyl-hound, dont you realize the
    world revolves about sex? That procreation is the foremost "mystery"
    that drives humanity? That prurience is the natural human state? As
    is love of society."

    Yes, the convivial person is the sound-minded ,self-possessed lucid
    man of society.

    Okay, so what was the actual documentary about? Well, there was a
    guy whose marriage broke up (because of records??) and the wife got
    back at him by gaining custody of his 98% COMPLETE (I think it was,
    country music) collection.

    There was the intense-staring million-lp collector whose aim is to
    collect every lp made -and the true madness is he collects not only the
    English-speaking world but ALL the world even though he never
    listens to foreign records! This same guy was eager to show off his
    trivia genius :"Do you know there are only 4 bands that start
    with "Q"?" (The documentary-maker was quick to crush the collector by
    mentioning Suzy Quatro. (Wallace would have much preferred to
    mention Quatermass ,MICHEAL Quatro and -naturally! - many more)
    Particularly sad,was when the collector wanted to show off his
    impressive memory by having the film maker pick at random an lp ,to
    which the collector would then ,smug-facedly, deliver all the track titles,
    in accurate order.

    There was the nail-biter who trims his bleeding wounds with
    further nailbiting. The collector who suffers dysphoria -

    There was the touchy lawyer with the messy lp/cd littered apartment. (That
    segment was singularily mortifying to watch. Wallace say no more.)

    The cool intellectual who when asked for a correlation between lp-buying
    and addiction comes up with this: Both are compulsive. Both
    escapist.There is ritual involved in both (great point!!).Both
    require huge chunks of time. Both regulate the emotions. (You know
    where your emotions are going -real life does not offer such

    The guy living in the cramped accomodations who must resort to freeing
    the toilet seat of a stack of lps each time before taking a dump.

    The bulimic who purges himself of lps: "I have to eat it
    then get rid of it."

    The host of a fine Toronto showcase for foreign films who is forced
    to admit he dumped 2000 lps in a dumpster so that they would "ever
    belong only to me.".He even picks a dumpster he thought no one would
    find them in.

    The obsessive who, Calvino/Borgesishly, dreams of records that do not

    The consumer who buys simply to have -he never listens, they are just

    The romantic who keeps a small assortment of (crap) records around specifically
    for his "generic fantasy girlfriend".

    Yes,VINYL, the nigh 2 hour documentary that just may have you
    looking at yourself in a different light.


    So you may ask: "Hey Wallace, am I likely to come upon the face of the
    Prince of Eagles Himself somewhere in this film?"
    Sorry to disappoint. Here at Dougal's Bar (at the corner of Islington
    and the Mission House), the lads are on the
    alert for hapless ne'er-do-weel documentary producers who tempt you with qquestions
    concerning your collection, but who are quick on the draw to, none
    too gently, rudely insert up your rectum , personal and psycho-
    babble questionings. The trepanation tool be ever ready for immediate use.

    In conclusion to this ramble, Wallace he offers up these apt
    quotes from famous men:

    What shadows we are? What shadows we persue?

    I can resist everything except temptation.

    The best way to convince a fool he is wrong is to let him have his
    own way.

    Conceit is incompatible with understanding.
    Vanity of vanities, all is Vanity.

    Water taken in moderation cannot hurt anyone.

    If you want something enough you can always get it provided you are
    willing to make the appropriate sacrifice.But whatever you get is
    never quite what you thought and, sooner or later, the sacrifice is
    always regretted.

    Poor perverted beings! With what affectation of dramatic bustle and
    contrivance you labour to diversify the misery of your hopeless

    The first step to wisdom is to avoid the fallacy which considers
    everything profound that is obscure.

    You cannot, no matter how hard you try, make a crab walk straight.

    A headstrong lady of Greeling,
    Threw her 2 year old brat at the ceiling.
    When asked why she did,
    She replied in manner most horrid:
    "To get rid
    Of a strange irresistable feeling."

    Pleasant dreams all compulsives everywhere
    May the Urge go with you.
    -Wallace, Prince of Eagles

    A wee thocht whisky.
    A gowpanfu o' grossets.
    Fower poke o' tatties.
    An' t'wale o' thaim aw,
    A sack o' vinyl shite.

  • #2
    Hope it wasn't my post that drove you to it - personally, I thought the dialect brought a little colour to the place!



    • #3
      I quite liked your posts...

      Official Old School UK Hip Hop T-Shirts available at


      • #4
        Come on Wallace, we can all live happily together (rigerrer?) on the forum.


        • #5

          I encountered the guy who did the music for the doc. His name is Scott and he works in this record store called Neurotica on Queen Street East in Toronto. Always felt he had a bit of an attitude and that the store was insanely overpriced. . .especially by Canadian standards.

          BUT I wished I'd seen the doc nontheless. . .err. . .so there. Interesting and very lucid points raised by the Wallace though. Is vinyl related geekery something that is unfairly dissected by unsympathetic head-shrinkers and perceived as compensation for our unsatisfactory lives/short dicks/failure to be reincarnated as Jimi Hendrix ? Hmm. Though I am slightly wary of those who regard themselves in the third person. . .

          And I don't think Wallace's idiosyncratic Scottish brogue is particularly taxing. He writes in the style of a vinyl obsessed Irvine Welsh, nae ?