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  • The 101 Rules of Progressive Metal

    1. Insist that your definition of prog metal is sacred and that the only progressive bands are the one you deem to be so.
    2. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 1 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
    3. Have contempt for mainstream music.
    4. Insist that most people listen not to the music, not to the lyrics but only the chorus and that is why prog metal is not mainstream.
    5. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 4 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
    6. When showcasing a new prog metal band to a non-musician friend, put on the most technically difficult song, and skip directly to the solo part.
    7. If your friend says that it is cool, tell him that he has grasped the grandeur of prog and shown that his intelligence is superior to that of the mainstream sheep.
    8. If he doesn´t, accuse him of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
    9. Renounce all contact with friend in rule 8. Racial purity isn´t all bad.
    10. Make sure your drummer has a double bass pedal.
    11. If he hasn´t, kick him out and get another one who has. Single pedal is NOT prog.
    12. Own every side-project a member of Dream Theater has been involved in. Listen to approximately none of them regularly.
    13. When a mainstream fool asks you what prog metal is, tell him something along the lines of "prog is the evolution of musical expression and experimentalism in rock." In any case, make sure that the person in question is left with no idea of what prog metal is. He wouldn´t have understood anyway.
    14. Insist that music should always progress, although as long as you write an album in the prog vein, you don’t necessarily have to.
    15. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 14 of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true prog fan.
    16. Refer to progressive metal as intelligent music for intelligent people, preferably at every occasion where a mainstream group or genre is mentioned.
    17. Note that the above does not qualify as arrogance any more than pointing out that wine is drink for the more sophisticated.
    18. A song under four minutes is NOT prog. If you are stuck with a song under four minutes, insert a phrygian solo trade-off between the guitarist and keyboardist as long as needed.
    19. If a mainstream fool tells you that shredders are mindless wankers, tell him that "at least they can tune their guitars, har har", and walk away defiantly.
    20. Spocks Beard is NOT prog. If anyone disagrees, kill them.
    21. Humming along with the melody to a prog metal song is forbidden. Burn all albums you own with hum-along melodies.
    22. Loathe all music you used to like before you got into prog. This is not optional. When asked why, tell people that "I am into GOOD music now, why would I go back?".
    23. Accuse any prog metal musician that cuts his hair of selling out.
    24. Often state that you don´t only listen to prog. Jazz is a good choice.
    25. Yeah...like you have more than 3 jazz CDs in your collection...
    26. Never accept ANY Berklee graduates. The drop-outs are so much better.
    27. Riffs in 4/4 are not progressive. If you happen to come up with a cool riff in 4/4, alternate between 4/4 and progressive time signatures like 7/8 every other measure to ensure the musical complexity synonymous with prog metal.
    28. Be able to mention 20 bands noone has heard of, not even true prog fans. Own no releases of these bands.
    29. Get an Ibanez. This is not negotiable.
    30. Spend 5 hours every day critiquing other musicians on forums.
    31. Spend 5 minutes every other day actually practicing your instrument.
    32. Yell at people who headbang at concerts: They`re not prog enough to get the music, what do they expect?
    33. Sus4 is your friend. To ensure that your album is a true progressive release, include at least one part where the keyboard plays ascending sus4 chords over a single-note broken rhythm in 7/8.
    34. Make sure your bandname is either a
    a) Oxymoron
    -Silent Noise
    -Tender Harshness
    -Healing Gun
    Some geeky sounding name ripped from some obscure book.
    -Deitronus
    -Tarakoch
    -Fentaran
    or
    c) Random combination of at least 2 three-syllable words.
    -Eternal Twilight Tranquility (Can`t get much progger than that)
    -Redolent Arithmetic
    -Evolution of Vernacular Domesticated
    35. Don`t worry about if your band name makes any sense or not. Since 90% of your fanbase is from Brazil and Japan, you can safely ignore conventional English grammar and instead focus on what´s really important: The lyrics (see rule 36).
    36. Write deep and ambiguous lyrics.
    37. If unable to write deep and ambigous lyrics, include at least one of the following phrases to ensure recognition as lyrical genius in prog circles:
    "I`m staring towards ascension divine, caught in my own revelation, a nightly mystery of soulburning apparition"
    "Mornings` gentle caress, a ray of sunlight enveloping the spirit of the sleeper ventriloquist"
    "A timid, palatable genocide, turn towards the decline of mankind, the festering wound of ages past changes into the soul-spirit of vestigial sentences."
    38. Use a non-standard instrument like violin, saxophone or kazoo, regardless of how idiosyncratic it turns out to be. This constitutes being prog.
    39. Make sure your bass-player has as many strings as possible. Don`t worry if he uses approximately three of the 11 strings on his custom Carvin 30 kg bass regularly, just give him a bass solo in the middle of your mandatory instrumental tune(more on that later)where he can really show the extent of his instruments capabilities. Imagine the range of scales on an instrument like that!
    40. Release a live-album called "Live in Tokyo".
    41. Change time signatures. Constantly.
    42. Accuse anyone who does not do so of lacking musical intelligence and not being a true progressive musician.
    43. Your amp MUST be a Mesa Boogie. If a friend of yours tries to convince you´re wrong and you should check out his Marshall tell him that his tone is thin and buzzy.
    44. State that Metallica can´t properly tweak the boogies. They´re so... unprog!
    45. Start a Dream Theater cover band with friends just starting out playing instruments. Spend half of the rehearsal talking shit about punk bands and how people don`t understand your music.
    46. Play a shitty version of a humongously difficult DT song at a Battle of the Bands-type contest. Metropolis Part 1 or Dance of Eternity are both good choices, as is Erotomania.
    47. When your band ends up last, shift all blame over to the judges; hey, they have no idea what good music is! Why else would they let that boring pop band win?
    48. Talking about starting playing an instrument; always start with the most technically difficult song you know. Remember, this is a testament to your immense talent, so be sure to mention this on every internet community you happen to frequent.
    49. When are you able to play something at half speed very sloppy, proudly state that you "nail" the song in question.
    50. People are bound to ask for a recording of the feat mentioned in rule 49. However, you are not able to provide it to them, because a) your recording equipment got dissolved by digestive acid yesterday, you don`t need to prove anything to people. Your word should be good enough c) you don`t know anything about computers (even though you sit by one most of the day), as you spend most of your day practicing your instrument.
    51. Tool is NOT prog. If anyone insists they are, kill them.
    52. Hate Falling into Infinity. If the feeling that you actually enjoy FII(even the "proggier" songs like TOT)sneaks up on you during a glitch of concentration, remind yourself that DT sold out.
    53. Actually, state that DT sold out on every good occasion. This means every time their name is mentioned.
    54. Don´t be John Arch. Insist that any pre-Alder Fates is 100% not prog.
    55. Do not move on stage. Don`t under any circumstances forget that nobody at prog concerts pays attention to the audience, including the band.
    56. The best songs are those that are over 15 minutes, have multiple named sections, and have solos by everyone in the band INCLUDING the drummer.
    57. Accuse anyone who disagrees with you regarding rule 56 of lacking musical inteli...Yeah, you`ve got it now, haven`t you?
    58. Never ever under any circumstances say "Six Degrees Of Inner Turbulence ruled."
    59. Never let anyone tell you that Dave Weckl is better than any prog metal drummer. If they still insist, don`t kill them, but rather put on the Mike Portnoy drum solo from 1993`s "Live in Tokyo" vid, which still today is the benchmark for good drumming, REGARDLESS of genre.
    60. It would still be a good idea to have that gun ready, though.
    61. Drummers: Huge kits are MANDATORY!!!! If all you have is a 4-piece with 3 crappy cymbals, then you don´t belong on stage. A 5-piece single bass drum kit is the bare minimum and even that´s on the edges of bare bones. If you have a tiny kit BUY MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!!!!
    62. No, 6 toms are not enough, MORE DRUMS AND CYMBALS!!!!
    63. Reform with old members and release an album intended to make up for years of bad reception from fans (see Yes) or claim your next album will be a return to past glory (see Queensryche). If it flops, be sure to blame a producer or record company.
    64. When someone asks you why prog metal isn`t more popular if it is so darned good, tell them that it is because "it is over the mainstream peoples heads".
    65. Talent = Technical skill. Hail any band with lightning-speed solos for their immense talent.
    66. Publicly state that your band is non-religious, then make many religious and/or spiritual allusions in the lyrics.
    67. Stress your openmindedness. State that you like all forms of music, except lower forms of music like pop, rock `n roll, blues, techno, trance, rap.
    68. Accuse fans of the aforementioned genres of not being openminded.
    69. Get a Kurzweil. As the undisputed <<>>, Jordan Rudess plays it, you have no choice but to get one yourself, no matter what synthezisers you actually like. ALL BOW TO THE MIGHTY 88-KEY <<>> KURZWEIL!!!
    70. ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-KURZWEIL!!!!(Futuruma fans will know what I`m talking about)
    71. Show off with your equipment. Show off with your playing/singing. Show off with your *ahem* length. Show off with your girlfriend. Show off with anything you can think of. Show off with your DOG for god´s sake.
    72. Get a dog.
    73. Play air-drums or air-guitar at concerts. This will make sure that other prog fans recognize your immense talent.
    74. Stuck in song-writing? Insert a part with a slow single-note gallop rhythm where the singer yells "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNN" several times.
    75. Note that you can substitute "ENTER THE SUUUNNNNNNNNN" for either of the following: "FATHER, MY ADOLESCENCY IS AGONNNNNYYYYYYY" or "THE APPARITION DIVIIIIIINNNNEEEE". All three are suitable choices.
    76. What do you mean, you haven`t trigged your bassdrum?
    77. Remember, faster=more progressive. Slow songs cannot be progressive, best example would be Pink Floyd.
    78. If anyone says PF are prog, kindly refer them to rule 1 while you prepare to do a "Varg", so to say.
    79. During recording, make sure that you accuse the producer, the recording engineer and half of your band of not playing the song properly at least once.
    80. Make sure your album cover contains either a psychedelic computer-drawn image, a lavish painting with mythological figures, or is illustrated by Travis Smith.
    81. Write epics.
    82. In case you didn`t know, epics must be about adolescency, concerning a legend, or a deep dystopian tale where a cheesy fictional city/world/pizza shop serves as a metaphor for this world.
    83. Have racks with loads of equipment.
    84. Have racks without equipment. Who is going to see them if you don`t display them?
    85. No intro for your song? Insert a single-note broken rhythm accented on the snare, with shifting keyboard chords underneath.
    86. Refuse to lend prog CDs to mainstream friends. When asked why, tell him/her that (s)he "will understand when (s)he matures"
    87. When playing ANY gig, from the lowliest bar to the most gargantuan arena, be sure that no member of the audience will leave without having heard every lick you are able to play.
    88. Have at least 5 solo spots during a concert.
    89. In case you have forgotten while reading this, prog metal is intelligent music for intelligent people.
    90. No, Marillion is not prog. I kindly refer you to rule 20.
    91. BOOOM!!!
    92. Buy new albums from past prog-greats.
    93. When they turn out to be crap and nothing like the old albums, hit yourself in the head with a hammer until you like them.
    94. Hold that there is no bad prog, only DIFFERENT.
    95. Of course, that only applies to bands you like. See Rule 1.
    96. In case you wondered, Dream Theater is and will always be the benchmark for prog metal. The more something sounds like Images and Words, the more progressive it is.
    97. Proclaim Rule 96 to people with a straight face in all seriousness. This is not optional.
    98. Have side-projects. Make sure that all side-projects consist of pointless jamming over endless repetitions of clicheed riffs.
    99. Make sure that at least one of your side-projects feature Mike Portnoy on drums.
    100. If you cannot get Mike Portnoy, get someone who sounds like him.
    101. You mean you have been reading this when you could have been practicing along to Metropolis Part II or composing a sidelong epic? For shame!!!!



    word.
    MODZ
    Hero No.9
    Last edited by Col Wolfe; 09-12-2009 at 10:37 PM.
    THERE MIGHT BE ANOTHER CRIPZ AT SOME POINT ITS HARD TO SAY

  • #2
    Haha!
    "Only one thought left, that makes me come alive,
    and that is you and me side by side, on the licorice ride"

    Comment


    • #3
      Its all true.
      Enthusiastic vagueness passes for scholarship in the twilight world of the disc-jockey.

      John Peel

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by emperor tomato ketchup
        Its all true.
        i fear so emps.
        MODZ
        Hero No.9
        Last edited by Col Wolfe; 09-12-2009 at 10:37 PM.
        THERE MIGHT BE ANOTHER CRIPZ AT SOME POINT ITS HARD TO SAY

        Comment


        • #5
          There is more to fear - here are the rules for Black Metal:

          1. Don't be gay.
          2. Be "true".
          3. All people who aren’t "true" are gay.
          4. Be grim.
          5. Be necro.
          6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
          7. Break things while being grim and necro.
          8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
          9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
          10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
          11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
          12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
          13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
          14. Don't be Dani Filth.
          15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
          16. Don't be Dani Filth.
          17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
          18. Run for it!
          19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
          20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
          21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
          22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
          23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
          24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
          25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
          26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
          27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
          28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
          29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
          30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
          31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
          32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
          33. Don't make jokes.
          34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
          35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
          36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
          37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
          38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
          39. Never play live.
          40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
          41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
          42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
          43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
          44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
          45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
          46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
          47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
          48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
          49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
          50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
          51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
          52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
          53. Never say "friggin".
          54. Never finish anything you start.
          55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
          56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
          57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
          58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
          59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
          60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
          61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
          62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
          63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
          64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
          65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
          666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
          67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
          68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
          69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
          70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
          71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
          72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
          73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
          74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
          75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
          76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
          77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
          78. That's better, on with the interview!
          80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
          81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
          82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
          83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
          84. Don't make references.
          85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
          86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
          87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
          88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
          89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
          90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
          91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
          92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
          93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
          94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
          95. Own [email protected]#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
          96. Use the phrase "[email protected]#%$" whenever possible.
          97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
          98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
          99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
          100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
          101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

          I think they are a bit thin towards the end.
          Enthusiastic vagueness passes for scholarship in the twilight world of the disc-jockey.

          John Peel

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by emperor tomato ketchup
            There is more to fear - here are the rules for Black Metal:

            1. Don't be gay.
            2. Be "true".
            3. All people who aren’t "true" are gay.
            4. Be grim.
            5. Be necro.
            6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
            7. Break things while being grim and necro.
            8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
            9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
            10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
            11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
            12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
            13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
            14. Don't be Dani Filth.
            15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
            16. Don't be Dani Filth.
            17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
            18. Run for it!
            19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
            20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
            21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
            22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
            23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
            24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
            25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
            26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
            27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
            28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
            29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
            30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
            31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
            32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
            33. Don't make jokes.
            34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
            35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
            36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
            37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
            38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
            39. Never play live.
            40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
            41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
            42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
            43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
            44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
            45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
            46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
            47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
            48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
            49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
            50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
            51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
            52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
            53. Never say "friggin".
            54. Never finish anything you start.
            55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
            56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
            57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
            58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
            59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
            60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
            61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
            62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
            63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
            64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
            65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
            666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
            67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
            68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
            69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
            70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
            71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
            72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
            73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
            74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
            75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
            76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
            77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
            78. That's better, on with the interview!
            80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
            81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
            82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
            83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
            84. Don't make references.
            85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
            86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
            87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
            88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
            89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
            90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
            91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
            92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
            93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
            94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
            95. Own [email protected]#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
            96. Use the phrase "[email protected]#%$" whenever possible.
            97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
            98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
            99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
            100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
            101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

            I think they are a bit thin towards the end.

            i think we may be unto something here........ponders a VV 100
            MODZ
            Hero No.9
            Last edited by Col Wolfe; 09-12-2009 at 10:37 PM.
            THERE MIGHT BE ANOTHER CRIPZ AT SOME POINT ITS HARD TO SAY

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by emperor tomato ketchup
              83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
              Heh - reminds me of our April 1st joke we had in our Swedish webzine. We made a fake review of a nonextistant 7" with grindcore band doing Beastie Boys-covers. Anal Cunt, Arsedestroyer and a made-up phillipine band called Fuck Die were mentioned.
              At least two persons mailed us about where to buy it!
              All text was in Swedish but you can take a look at our fake cover...
              "Only one thought left, that makes me come alive,
              and that is you and me side by side, on the licorice ride"

              Comment


              • #8
                Grind Royal is too good an idea NOT to exist.


                Where can I buy it?
                Enthusiastic vagueness passes for scholarship in the twilight world of the disc-jockey.

                John Peel

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