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  • Are you bein' served?

    Right, here's 'an amusin tale from me hols, one which will probably be all too fookin' familiar to many of us, but it still makes for 'an entertainin' tale nonetheless.
    Picture the scene, rummagin' around in one of the many charities i found some curio lp worth splashing a whole new 50 fookin' new pence on, as it 'appens not a particularly fantastic rarity but a curio all the same, upon closer inspection of said lp, i discover that the inner paper sleeve has gone the way of fookin' lord Lucan, and dissapeared, leavin' said lp in an otherwise perilous position and me in a bit of a fookin' quandry, do i do the decent thing 'an ask the old bid behind the counter if i can remove an inner sleeve from some old fookin' Neil Diamond lp (which looks like it's been sittin in the fookin' rack since fookin' Stonehenge were fookin' built) or do i fookin' sneakily ponce said inner sleeve in full veiw of the whole fookin' shop 'an pays me money?.
    Well like the fookin' twat i am, i opt for the honest approach 'an accost the old bid in an attempt to get the sleeve, ok, conversation go's summat like this-
    me- "i'd like to buy this record please, but it's got no inner sleeve, could i take one from another record, as this one will get awfully scratched without an inner sleeve" (or words to that effect)
    old bid-"but it's got a sleeve!" she says pointin' to the fookin' outside sleeve


    me-"no, i meant an inside PAPER sleeve"
    old bid-"aaaahhhh!" fookin' stares into space fer about a minute at this point.Then she fookin' whips the 50 pence peice i've bin' holdin' outta me hand faster than Paul fookin' Daniels whips off Debbie McGee's fookin' knickers!!!
    me-"right then can i get a sleeve now?"
    at this piont there is a small queue of people behind me.
    old bid-"???" fookin' silence as she stares into space AGAIN for another couple 'o' fookin' minutes

    me-(slightly raised voice with a hint 'o' fookin' irritation)"WELL"
    old bid-(looks at me as tho' i'd just planted a fookin' dogturd in 'er fookin till)"sorry"
    me-"can i get a paper sleeve please?" at this point she stares oot the fookin' door??
    old bid-"?"
    me-(fookin' losin' it big time now)"LOOK FORGET IT, I DONT WANT TO BUY IT CAN I HAVE ME MONEY BACK PLEASE!!"
    old bid-"sorry" she stares into space again, by this time i had decided that compulsory fookin' euthanasia was indeed a fookin' godsend 'an had almost decided to start the fookin' ball rollin' wi' this daft 'ol fookin' sod in front 'o' me, by leapin' over 't' counter to administer the correct fookin' prescription, when thankfully i came to me senses 'an cooled oot fookin' double quick.The queue behind me is now shiftin' fookin' restlessly
    old bid-"??" so get this right, the fookin' daft 'ol bugger stares into space for ANOTHER couple of minutes aaaaaarrrrrggghhhh!,
    me-"CAN I HAVE MY FOOKIN' MONEY BACK PLEASE, I GAVE YOU THE MONEY A BOPUT FIVE MINUTES AGO??"
    old bid-as if someone's applied fookin' electrodes to the daft buggers nipples "oh! there you go then"
    now picture me makin' a right poncey flouncin' dramatic fookin' exit from said shop, a bit like Lawrence fookin' Llewellin' fookin' Bowen, except for the shoutin' of obscenities that would shame a scouse docker, at the top of me fookin' lungs, now i ask yer where else can yer get such fun 'an fookin' all round entertainment, eh?


    complete set 'o' fookin' bastards!!!!!!!!&# 33;!!!!!!!!!&# 33;!!!!!!!!!&# 33;!!!!!!!!.
    derelicts of dialect

  • #2
    Funny story. What was the record?

    I gotta say I've had nothing but good experiences with old biddies at charities (steady on&#33... if you encourage them to talk about their families and then say "hmm" and "is that so" at random intervals (while paying exclusive attention to the rekkids of course) you're apt to get all the wax for free or next best.

    In other news:

    *

    Comment


    • #3
      LOL I just swap the sleeves and pull Thrillers from all the Readers digest box sets and give it the -

      "This one hasn't got a price on it"

      I also like touching peoples hair on Buses without them knowing - I have 20 confirmed fondlings to date
      SECRET RUSSIAN ROMANTIC GUITAR PSYCH BREAKS

      Comment


      • #4
        Now i have to state in me fookin' defence that the 'old bid' in question was about early sixties in age, if she had been some poor ol' fookin nan of aboot 1000 i wouldnt have bin' so fookin' irie, it was just the way she turned 'er fookin' shnoz oop at me!!!. The lp was an Augusto Alguero orchestra job so like i said nothin' horrendously fookin' special which double pissed me orf i can tell thee. I have to say Towny me 'ol mate that is a fookin' top idea, random head touching 'o' complete strangers, just to change tack a bit, one 'o' me mates (who shall remain nameless) had the fookin' bright idea of fakin' an asthma attack in the middle 'o' Manchester town centre once, just to see what would 'appen like, now personally i thought this was a bit fookin off the mark 'an the tit deserved a fookin slap fer it,
        but bugger me, if he had bin' 'avin an attack 'o' some sort the fooker woulda bin' browners cos nay bugger stopped to offer assistance, indeed most folk just lightly stepped over 'im and took nay fookin' notice at all. And the daft sod lay there groanin' for aboot two hours!. Now i realise if it had bin' some bird or a child it would have bin' different, but it just go's to show that if yer unlucky enough to be taken ill in a public place, 'an yer a young male then fookin' forget aboot help
        altogether. (there is a fookin' moral to that story, nay several fookin' morals).
        derelicts of dialect

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by [b
          Quote[/b] (TOWNY @ Aug. 09 2003,12:04)]LOL    I just swap the sleeves and pull Thrillers from all the Readers digest box sets and give it the -

          "This one hasn't got a price on it"  

          I also like touching peoples hair on Buses without them knowing - I have 20 confirmed fondlings to date  
          LOL

          reminds me of elbow cricket !!!
          but's thats another story , er and posibly another site
          Whats you're style ?

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by [b
            Quote[/b] (mundayschild @ Aug. 09 2003,18:38)]Now i have to state in me fookin' defence that the 'old bid' in question was about early sixties in age, if she had been some poor ol' fookin nan of aboot 1000 i wouldnt have bin' so fookin' irie, it was just the way she turned 'er fookin' shnoz oop at me!!!. The lp was an Augusto Alguero orchestra job so like i said nothin' horrendously fookin' special which double pissed me orf i can tell thee. I have to say Towny me 'ol mate that is a fookin' top idea, random head touching 'o' complete strangers, just to change tack a bit, one 'o' me mates (who shall remain nameless) had the fookin' bright idea of fakin' an asthma attack in the middle 'o' Manchester town centre once, just to see what would 'appen like, now personally i thought this was a bit fookin off the mark 'an the tit deserved a fookin slap fer it,
            but bugger me, if he had bin' 'avin an attack 'o' some sort the fooker woulda bin' browners cos nay bugger stopped to offer assistance, indeed most folk just lightly stepped over 'im and took nay fookin' notice at all. And the daft sod lay there groanin' for aboot two hours!. Now i realise if it had bin' some bird or a child it would have bin' different, but it just go's to show that if yer unlucky enough to be taken ill in a public place, 'an yer a young male then fookin' forget aboot help
            altogether. (there is a fookin' moral to that story, nay several fookin' morals).
            'twas not the 'Hey Jude' album by any chance?  Tasty bit of funky parping and drum breaking on that one.

            I know what you mean about it being bad news for a young male taking ill in public.  Myself & my friends used to amuse ourselves in Stourbridge town centre by faking blackouts to see how many people would offer help.  In two years of bored lunch hours how many people expressed concern?  Nada!

            Mr. T, secretly fondling people's hair may seem like harmless fun today, but tomorrow that path just leads to the life of the wheezy, sallow-eyed frotteur



            JUST SAY NO!
            A ECOUTER FORT, INVITEZ VOS VOISINS!"Hear this disc loud. Squat your neighbours' ears"

            Comment


            • #7
              T'was the very same Mr Mann, my fine friend, in fact it did look not half bad, sod it!, i knew i shoulda' bought it without the sleeve, as the vinyl was actually fookin' mint!. Tsk!.
              Raj, is it true you are a fine 'an upstandin' member of our very fine NHS medical staff?, if so mate, i hope yer don't take offence, but i need some advice on this problem i've got wi' me fookin' thumb.........................
              derelicts of dialect

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by [b
                Quote[/b] (mundayschild @ Aug. 09 2003,23:10)]T'was the very same Mr Mann, my fine friend, in fact it did look not half bad, sod it!, i knew i shoulda' bought it without the sleeve, as the vinyl was actually fookin' mint!. Tsk!.
                Raj, is it true you are a fine 'an upstandin' member of our very fine NHS medical staff?, if so mate, i hope yer don't take offence, but i need some advice on this problem i've got wi' me fookin' thumb.........................
                Almost, just spend this weekend writing out my CV and applying for jobs

                As with all these things the best advice is to go see your own GP as a live and direct shufty's at the problem is always better, but by all means, email me about your thumb probs.

                I remember when I cut the cuticle of my thumb on those horrible thick PVC sleeves and I caught a luvur-lee fungul infection I think this should be officially named digger's thumb!
                A ECOUTER FORT, INVITEZ VOS VOISINS!"Hear this disc loud. Squat your neighbours' ears"

                Comment


                • #9
                  Mines called 'stupid fookin' twat attempin' to out do Handy fookin' Andy from that tv D.I.Y prog, and subsequently gettin' a nice sliver of wood the size 'o' the fookin' Titanic under me thumbnail fer me privilage,'an with the result that me fookin' thumb has now, due to infection, turned itself inside fookin' ooot!! 'an closely resembles the contents 'o' me nan's fookin' colostomy bag', thumb, no kiddin'.
                  derelicts of dialect

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    That'll learn ya for trying to be a mockernee tool monkey!  

                    Check your messenger
                    A ECOUTER FORT, INVITEZ VOS VOISINS!"Hear this disc loud. Squat your neighbours' ears"

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